UNBSJ and UNBF have reached an agreement regarding the so-called controversial issue of non-library book sizes.
The agreement states that “any book that is not from the library or is owned by a student that is smaller or larger, longer or shorter, thinner or fatter than any of the books in the libraries on the university campuses will instantly be thrown out the window and burned in a blaze not dissimilar to Fahrenheit 451.”
Curiously, the agreement also states that all books in the libraries will be replaced with new editions of those books that are of the same size.
When told by a The Baron reporter that such a decision would bar all non-library books from entering the campus grounds, the decision’s main advocate, some dude named Phil replied with an eloquent “So?”
“Books that are all the same sizes on the shelves look better than books that look different,” continued this dude literally no one has heard of or seen before, “have you ever been to Indigo and spent six hours rearranging their shelves to make them look all pretty?”
When told by The Baron reporter that what he was describing was not a thing, Phil (if that is his real name) ran to the Hans W. Cohn Commons and has not been seen or heard from since.
The decision was reached when a petition with only fifteen signatures was presented to the president of UNB.
The petition stated that it was the result of “Complaints brought to the attention to the Students For Book Shelf Consistency Society about the disorder and clutter by members of the Students For Book Shelf Consistency Society.”
After a harangue of roughly 1,500 words, the petition states that its purpose is to, “bring attention to the drastic state of book size mismanagement amongst the student body of both UNB campuses.”
“This abuse cannot continue,” the petition reads. “Our eyes hurt due to the inequality of book size; our hearts ache for the poor bookshelves; our brains are swimming at the thought of injustice done to our beloved libraries.”
The agreement will go into effect on both campuses beginning April 31. Totalitarian initiatives are expected to ensure the agreement is followed by the entire student body.
Such initiatives include refusing students seen with an irregular shaped book parking rights, as well as refusing those students the right to buy food from Tim’s, vending machines, the cafeteria, and from other students.
“This issue, the greatest in the world, the most superfluously gracious consequences which will flow from hence, etc.,” states philosophy professor Immanuel Kant,” will save us from the disgrace that we’ve allowed ourselves to descend to.”
